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" A Look Back at the Career of Bob & Dave"
Independence day starts off with a bang as we both neglect our families to get in a double-header. Temperatures are soaring into the mid 90's and heat stroke is a very good possibility...but we don't care. Dave blasts Bob in the opener 16-2 but Bob puts out Dave's fuse in the nightcap 10-5. Unfortunately no homers are hit during the two games so the massive M-80 display will have to wait until tonite. During the evening hours the extremely loud M-80 barrage begins. While the neighbors scramble to call the cops, we escape and head for the hills with six-packs of Coors Lite.
Bob bats lefty the entire game in an effort to get out of a horrendous slump but ends up batting 0.66 for the game. He manages to get one RBI on a few errors. Dave's pitching proves to be too tough as he ends up with a 6 hitter and a 2-1 victory...Game note... Bob's bat slips out of his hand, 
landing squarely on the passenger side of an ongoing Chevrolet, possibly an '83, going about 55 miles per hour. Driver either didn't hear it or he was in too much of a hurry to stop. Repair bill...241 dollars and 3 cents.
In his biggest onslaught of the year, Dave scores 68 runs and hits a record 20 homers in two games. He outscores Bob 68 to 9. Bob's ERA is up to a hefty 9.80 now with little chance to get back into the earned run chase. Dave also sets the most runs in an inning record with 23 in the ninth. People are now calling him THE TERMINATOR. Bob resolves never to play again and eagerly awaits the Vikings first exibition game against the Cheifs.
Bob changes his mind and gets a little revenge.
After Dave takes a 5-0 lead in the first inning, Bob outscores the Sultan of Swat 13-3 the last eight innings to come away with a 13-8 win. In the seventh inning Bob hits an awsome shot off Costa's roof...but it was foul. Estimated distance - 250 feet! Dave turns and says "I'm impressed".
After taking a week off to rest our back spasms and sore arms, the day finally arrives. The customary "Are ya ready" call had come over the phone line about an hour ago. This is it. 57 games already played but this is for all the marbles. Either Dave pulls off a do-or-die win and knots up this pennant race thing or he falls two back and the season is over. Playoff fever abounds.
Game time temperature is a balmy 75 degrees with a slight southwesterly breeze clocking in at an official 5 MPH. ESPN's 
Chris "back,back,back,back" Berman was scheduled to be here but he couldn't find Atlas and got lost on Route 54 somewhere.
The game begins with a wild pitch by Bob which is ordinary. Both pitchers settle in and after a few scoreless innings Dave breaks the deadlock with a mammoth Home Run to right center in the 4th, his 137th and final homer of the season surpassing Roger Maris' record by 75. Bob smashes a line drive homer just clearing the stick in the bottom of the 5th to tie it at one apiece. Dave strings together 6 hits in the 6th inning to take a 4-1 lead and it looks like playoff city is a possibility. But then that's when the shit hits the fan. With alot of help from the tree, Bob scores 10 runs in the final 3 innings to record an 11-4 victory and thus assuring a pennant for the Bob family. At this time Bob begins jumping up and down and lets off a big and annoying YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
A few hours after the game, Bob and Dave porchville it and reflect on the past years games. Bob complains how his control has left him and Dave murmurs something about it being hard to beat me and that damn tree and that he hopes maybe the tree gets blown down during the next hurricane.
The tone of this game was set in the very first inning when Dave loads the bases with Daves'. Let's listen as Jon Miller of WBAL Radio makes the call. "Ya know Joe, Bob really needs this game badly if he is ever going to get back into this pennant race. He's already digged a humongous hole for himself by loading the bases already in just the first inning...O.K...Dave gets a new bat (which happens just about every at bat) and we're ready to go. Bob looks for the sign...he sets and delivers. There's a very high fly ball...deep to right center...this one has a chance...it might be, it could be...IT AIN'T! Wait a minute. I don't believe what I just saw. Out of nowhere Bob somehow managed to catch up with the ball and snatch it while it was over the fence /wall /black spray painted line on the street /perfectly straight /surveyor would be proud thing there. That's the second time this year he's done that. Woh Nelly! Pass me an Essky hot dog.
The game remains scoreless with large amounts of goose eggs until Dave scores in the 5th. Bob ties things up with a massive single off Costa's roof(which by the way will be an official homer in 1995 - see Appendix rule changes on last page, rule #1995-A3276510865)...BLADDERFLAM.
In the top of the 9th Dave unleashes a gargantual goner to go ahead 2-1. In the last half of the inning Bob decides to bat lefty because...1) he can't hit righty anymore and 2) he likes to see Dave chase the ball up the street. Bob then hits three singles and with two outs Dave commits a costly error
to send the game to extraland.
After shutting out Dave in the 10th , Bob smacks two hits lefty up the street which Dave has to chase / wait for to roll down the street. Then as Dave comes back all winded and stuff, Bob uncorks a 3 run righty home run to win the game...Endostat- Dave goes over the 900 hit mark for the season surpassing Pete Rose's record by about 400.
The last game...so far... takes place on a hazy Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer. The grass is very high and there are real scary brown patches of dirt due to a horrendously short supply of precipitation caused by a massive state wide drought. The winds are Pluto like gusting up to 40 miles per hour. This game is also the opening game of 1995 or 4.5 billion years since
the beginning of time and the last game of 1995 due in part to back breaking work schedules, volcanic eruption fallout , world wide seismic activity, must see Weather Channel killer hurricane updates, and post Clinton presidency depression syndrome.
Dave is 2-1 on previous opening day games coming into this season. Bob on the other hand has won game 2 three years in a row. After the Moron Tabernacle Choir sings the National Anthem, Mickey Tettleton
throws out the first pitch. After the commercial break Dave stretches and says "This is livin'". After Dave finally finds a bat he likes he proceeds to bang out four hits to take a 1-0 lead. Will this be the year of Dave? He is currently in a one year championship slump. In the second Bob takes over the lead as he collects only 3 hits but one of them is a 3 run shot.
In the 3rd inning Dave hits his first 2 run homer in almost 2 years * a span of 541 at bats! * to tie it at 3-3. Bob regains the lead in the 6th with a 1 run HR, the only hit he could manage in the inning. In the top of the 7th Dave ties it up again with 3 hits and a Bob error, the only unearned run of the season. Bob breaks the tie in the bottom of the frame with a mammoth 2 run HR as the fans scream "WE"RE NOT WORTHY,WE"RE NOT WORTHY". Dave mutters something that sounds like "Damn tree". Into the 8th we go...Can Dave come back again? Does anyone care and does it really matter anyway in the wake of massive Clinton tax hikes on the middle class and the upcoming severe thunderstorm
we're about to get as I write this.Dave slashes two singles but fails to score as he leaves two Dave's stranded. Bob still leads 6-4. Bob leaves em loaded in the 8th as Dave bears down and gets real scary looking.
To the ninth we trek. Bob sits the first two Dave's down in the inning(details are a little sketchy but the damn tree was probably involved). Two down and now Bob can taste win #62 of his career. Dave finds a bat he likes and we're ready.Bob winds and delivers...THERE'S A SHOT...HIGH AND DEEP...BOB IS BACK...HE CAN"T GET IT...IT"S OVER HIS HEAD...HOME RUN. Dave's 235th home run of his career. NOTE...Dave's first 9th inning home run in 18 games or approximately 100 9th inning at bats
...what a freakin' slump...END OF NOTE. After order is restored and the fans leave the field, the chant begins...DA-VEY, DA-VEY, DA-VEY. What excitement folks! One out away from Wiffle ball game ending ecstasy (i.e. a state of emotion so intense that one is carried beyond rational thought and self-control ). Who will survive???...9:00 Severe Thunderstorm over...The next to last one run ball game was over 20 games ago it being 6-5 also. Would history repeat itself? BOB DELIVERS AND........THE WIFFFFF. Game over.Dave is real pissed by now and vows to start blowing up cats.
Bob wins 6-5 scoring all his runs on 3 home runs and wins his 3rd Championship in 4 years. After the game Bob & Dave Porchville it for awhile , eating large quantities of artery clogging
pizza and ingesting mass quantities of 16 oz. cylindrical aluminum type objects.
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