Coping with adverse playing conditions and other neat stuff

...Please note: the following tips are provided for informational purposes only and should not be attempted by anyone except Bob & Dave, relatives of Bob & Dave, some selected lawyers, politicians, most certified public accountants and real ugly people.
If you have ever been taken surprise by a hurricane, like for example, you looked out your front window and all of a sudden saw a 10 to 20 foot wall of water about to sweep you and all of your belongings away a few miles down the road, you really need to get a clue and move someplace like Idaho or gasp...Cleveland. Please read no further as you have fewer than 20 brain cells left and would probably try some of the following...Have a nice day.

Tips for playing wiffleball during a hurricane

The strongest winds in a hurricane come in from the northeast section of the eyewall. During a catagory 1 or 2 storm this can mean winds of 74 to 110 miles per hour with some higher gusts to boot. So grab a ball, place your back towards the northeast and let er rip! If you can throw a fastball about 50 MPH and if your friend with the bat is brave enough, he'll see a fastball anywhere between 124 and 160 MPH come wizzing towards him! TOTALLY RADICAL, LIKE FUR SURE! Hopefully you have good enough control as this could result in a 3 month coma for your friend if he's not wearing a batting helmet and/or a jock strap.

Side note...have a friend videotape the whole thing. Large amounts of cash could be coming your way if that goofy Bob Saget guy see's it.

PLEASE NOTE...

Never attempt to play in a catagory 3,4 or 5 hurricane. Why not you ask? Well here's why. Top winds will approach anywhere between 111 and 155+ MPH, not to mention 9 to 18 foot storm surges, stinging, pelting spiral rain bands 3 to 30 miles wide and 50 to 300 miles long, torrential downpours, small life threatening tornadoes, rapidly falling barometers and really scary looking big dark ugly cirrostratus clouds reaching 40,000 feet or above. That's why.Daahhh.

And there's also a good chance of mass histeria caused by large quantities of stupid people who tempt death by waiting until the last minute to evacuate or who just have to see that last live hurricane update from the Weather Channel.Seek shelter instead and play with old people.

Things to be on the lookout for...

If in the midst of your pitching windup your friend yells something like "HEY...LOOK OUT!" and as you look up you see a spinning uprooted oak tree, pieces of a train, other heavy oblong metal objects or large smelly farm animals flying above your head...this is a good indication that you are in or near a H S T (a Hurricane Spawned Tornado).

You should take cover immediately and continue playing only when all the large flying objects have subsided.

Another phrase to look out for is..."HEY...THERE GOES THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE FLOATING DOWN THE STREET!!" This is also not good. You've encountered the dreaded flash flood. These can be disasterous for humans as well as big hairy wild animals, as evidenced in the United State's deadliest flash flood of 1889 in which the city of Johnstown, PA was stuck with a 23 foot high wall of water killing 2,209 people and 275 wild bison.

FACT-O-STAT...Did you know? Moving water at 8 miles per hour exerts a force of 264 pounds per square foot! and a cubic yard of water weighs 1,700 pounds...hello!

Did you know? From 1966 to 1990 only 2 major hurricanes hit the east coast of the United States...1985 Hurricane Gloria hit Long Island and in 1989 Hurricane Hugo devasted South Carolina...none hit the Florida peninsula.

America's greatest weather disaster was the deadly hurricane of 1900. On Thursday September 8th the storm hit Galveston, Texas and killed 7,200 people while destroying over 4,000 homes, businesses and boats.

Next time there is an approaching hurricane in your hometown...here is something cool to try. After you've gone to the grocery store to stock on all the essentials like canned goods, bottled water, batterys, etc., boarded up your house and stocked your trunk with all your valuables such as jewlery, insurance papers, family pictures, wiffle balls and bats, you should have about a day or two to spare until the storm hits.

Go back down to the beach and find the Weather Channel meteorologists or the CNN reporters that will be doing those live update reports every half hour...these guys are really cool. Ya kow how they pan around and show people just standing around chatting, walking on the beach or the occasional surfer dude?.BORRRRING Well bust out the bat and ball and start hittin' a few...preferably about 20 yards behind the on camera person.
If your lucky it will be one of the weather babes like Jill Brown or Marny Stanier. It would be a good idea to already have made up with huge letters like

HTTP://WIFFLEBALLS.FREESERVERS.COM or

a large sign that reads BOB & DAVE'S WIFFLEBALL HOMEPAGE
...but if you forget that's O.K.

They may notice you anyway and say "Hey look at that, two guys getting in some WIFFLEBALL before the storm hits" or they may call security and have you arrested. But regardless this will be the first and only time in Weather Channel history that the word wiffleball will be used on the air...go figure.

Playing during an Earthquake...

Playing during an earthquake is not recommended due to the possibility of large neighborhood earth shaking natural gas explosions and looting by minorities.

General Wiffle Ball Etiquette and Stuff

Take out an ad in your local newspaper, something like: Attention area wiffleball players. Looking to form a local league or tournament. If interested please call 555-****. When placing your ad avoid catch phrases like
a) $10,000 to winner. Call 1-900-WIFFLEBALL and talk to me big boy
b) FREE BEER AND BABES after the game to all who respond
c) Cool wet t-shirt contest during 7th inning stretch time

d) Special guest appearance by The Big Busty Babes from Buffalo Bikini Team

e) Get free in-house visits from The Jehova's Witness's!!!

f) First 50 calls get Dan Lupre's "Get Rich Now! Moneymaking Package...retail value $49.95!...or

or g) No gays, mexicans, welfare deadbeats or biker dudes need apply...as this could result in gunfire,
bomb threats, numerous bone fractures or unruley mob confrontations.

Avoid playing wiffleball with people named Biff or anyone who resembles Jim Carrey.

Loud bodily function noises are very funny but only approiate during pre game stretching exercises.

During a game or tournament avoid sentences like...Oops, gotta take a wiz...Damn flying gnats...I voted for Clinton...Pass me another malt liquor and especially...Gee, you su**. Out of the blue profanities are inapproiate. However profanities are approiate after opposing team home runs, misjudging easy pop flys, getting hit in the knockers or any fall that results in broken bones or large unsitely red skin abrasions.

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